Not what I normally write about, is it. But what is normal for a blog I haven't attended to on a regular basis for the last 8 or so years? Why would it even matter when I write these more for my own satisfaction than for an audience?
I felt like musing about my experiences on dating apps, and so I will. I actually felt like making a youtube video about it - but it's too late for that tonight - so in a way, I think this is a proto-video? Maybe the things I write here will eventually become videos if the idea sits well enough in my head after I've had a chance to write it out.
So, dating apps.
When I moved out to college and first got on dating apps, I felt like a whole world of potential matches had opened up to me. I pretty quickly found someone to date, and settled into a year and a half relationship with them. After that ended (and I had healed enough to start dating again), I eagerly got back onto dating apps - and was frankly, overwhelmingly let down.
I feel like dating apps make your pool of potential matches feel much larger than it is in real life, but I'm realizing that (at least for me), it isn't that way.
First I guess, here are the things I don't like about dating apps:
- I feel so judgy using them - sure, it's valid to not engage with people I simply don't find physically attractive, but damn - I feel like the sludge of the earth as I swipe left on person after person simply because they didn't immediately spark that monkey-brain sex response.
- It feels, weirdly, like everyone is either too serious or not serious enough. Some people have bios talking about finding their forever person (and valid - I want to find mine too!) but that's a lot of pressure to put on someone you haven't even matched with yet! On the other hand, some people are just there for validation, out of boredom, or for sex, and it's hard to tell which is which sometimes.
- You really can't get an accurate judge of whether you'll fit with someone or not using them! For all every app talks of how it's designed to help you find a perfect match, or get to know the genuine, authentic person - I have found from personal experience that it doesn't work that way. Let me explain: I'm in a singing class this term. I sit next to a guy who I've seen on dating apps many times before, but who never really stuck out as someone I would be interested in. But - talking to him in person is an entirely different game. I've experienced this with more than just him too, and in both ways. Sometimes people seem cool from their profile, but in person are just meh. Sometimes it's the other way around. You really can't tell reliably. At least, I can't.
With those out of the way, here are my theories around each point.
When on dating apps, you see everyone else around you who is also. Of course you want the most attractive options, even if they are, in reality, not options due to any number of reasons. Comparison really is the killer of joy here - while physical attraction is a valid and important part of a relationship, you don't need the absolutely most attractive person in the world to be happy - you need someone you find attractive whose personality and compatibility make them fit you right in all the other ways too. I don't know if I'm making a lot of sense here - but I think for me the thing is that I find people a lot more attractive when I'm not comparing them against every single other possible option--and when I'm actively engaging with them in other positive ways--and I think that's healthy.
Dating apps are weird. I think they have the same effect as being online - like I can say whatever the hell I want, because I'm an internet stranger and none of you know where I live or go to school, so my words have no consequences. The same is, to an extent, true on dating apps for the people using them less seriously. You want validation from people thinking you're hot? Use Tinder, or Hinge, or Grindr, or . . . The consequences of not actually engaging with people seriously are minimal. I don't want to be too hard on these people - I understand not knowing what you want or need, and I understand craving validation. I don't think it's healthy, but - they don't know that. I wish we as society knew better how to take care of ourselves and each other, but... On the flip side - some people are sick of wading through the people who aren't actually trying to date seriously, and will put their intentions in their bio. And I get that too, and I feel like it's a decent attempt at honesty. At the same time, when I see a bio like that, I'm immediately worried that they're going to try to move too fast, or take things far more seriously than is healthy to do so early. Maybe that's more of a personal issue?
Lastly (and this ties into the first point some) - it really doesn't seem like matching or not matching on a dating app will indicate compatibility in real life. I've had some excellent dates from dating apps. I've had some shitty ones. I've had some matches that went absolutely nowhere. I think that's a pretty universal experience for dating app users. And you know what's funny? I've had more success on an app that really and truly should not be used for dating.
Grindr is a cesspool of boundary crossing and lack of respect - and yet somehow the environment that allows for so many unsolicited dick and ass pics also is more conducive to actually talking to people honestly and making good connections with them. I've had many more successful dates (and sustained connections!) from Grindr than any other dating app. I think this might be a combination of a couple of factors:
- The lack of inhibition kind of means anyone who is on Grindr already has a bit of a "fuck it" attitude - we're less afraid to just chat with people because our social barriers and norms have been worn down some already
- Nobody is on Grindr expecting to find their person there (except for a few innocent souls, bless them) - so expectations are low but willingness to try is high, and I think that's a good thing. (As long as boundaries are well established, which is a different conversation.)
This cavalier environment somehow creates a better place to just simply connect - and lo and behold, you're actually enjoying talking to this person. Oh, maybe you should go on a hike on Saturday. Why not? Suddenly you have the giddy crush feels for someone you weren't even sure if you'd enjoy a hike with originally.
So then, what's the solution?
I don't think one solution exists, that would be too clear for a world as nuanced as ours. But for me, I think it is:
- Be more social in real life and take opportunities to get to know people in low-stress ways. Do I think a person is cute? Talk to them, if they reciprocate friendliness, develop something there. If not, move on.
- Use dating apps (or Grindr) when I want to, but only as much as is healthy. If I start using them out of boredom or to validate myself, it has become unhealthy. If I feel overwhelmed at all, stop using them. The only use I want to get out of them is to meet people who could be cool in person.
- Don't take dating too seriously. By all means, I hope to date someone seriously someday - but don't stress about it.
